”狠角色”擔任”終極增進食慾催化劑”的工作，終於在二天前告了一段落，
因為他得和K先生去登山三天，而”大方的”昨天也隨訓練師回家，結束了短短的六天寄宿生活！
 
K先生在出門前，還不忘耳提面命，千交待萬交地，要我把”大方的”梳得美美膨膨地交還給訓練師，
他說：梳個三小時就好了啦！

真是開玩笑！當天下午我真的是一邊梳一邊罵，
我已經很小心了，偶爾還是會梳痛”大方的”，
幸好他的個性超好的，最多也只是輕輕地啃梳子，
或是．．．起身就落跑
 
不過”大方的”其實是標準的黏寶寶（就是那種我去上廁所，他會頂開門進來，趴在旁邊等的那種），
所以只要我一走開幾步，他又趕緊黏回來
總之，終於趕在訓練師抵達之前，滿頭大汗地完成了從頭到腳的全身梳毛大工程
 

是的，看他表情就知道，他一點都不enjoy！
（Kuku說的沒錯：這下變成”張菲”了！）
後來和訓練師聊起來，她也說：若是自己的狗，絕對把頭上和耳朵的毛剪短啦！！
 
好吧，總之”大方的”回去了，家裏頓時清靜下來，只剩我一個人
默默地上床睡覺，默默地睡過頭所以上課遲到，默默地吃飯．．．
可能就是太悲情了，昨天病了一天，頭痛欲裂還將珍藏的泡麵晚餐全吐出來了，
默默地在沙發昏睡了近20小時候之後，
今天起床後，居然如煥然一新般地健康！
（其實是因為某人和某狗今天要回家了，要趕緊清理二天完全沒整理的房子）
想到一篇積欠很久的文章，趁他們還沒回來前，就來先翻譯文章吧！
 
 

文章出處：8 Sure-Fire Ways to Shorten Your Dog’s Life
 
這是一篇以”反諷法”寫法的文章，當初看得我不斷哈哈大笑，拍案叫絕，
當然並不是因為文章中所描述的悲慘結果而開心，
而是它一所提及的，都是我們一直在宣導的觀念，但很多飼主仍是當耳邊風，不以為意，
在沮喪之餘，真希望這篇以反向操作，一針見血的文章，
能讓更多飼主盡責地擔任起保護狗狗的日常動作，
而不是再以：
”不會啦，我的狗很乖，不用上牽繩啦！”
”公狗結紮有損雄風！”
等各種愚蠢的理由，提早結束狗狗的寶貴生命
 
先說好，請仔細再三地看過這篇反諷文章，也請絕對不要只斷章取義，
或是截取一小段大作文章，而誤導了其它沒有閱讀整篇文章的朋友！
 
另外，文章中的有些內容我仍依原文本意翻譯，
但不代表我一定100%認為一定非要這麼做，請自行斟酌

－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－－

　　　　　　　　　包準縮短狗狗壽命的8種有效方法

 
我知道你們其中的有些人，就是很受不了你新養的小狗毛絨絨的又很崇拜你，
所以一直想盡辦法要早點擺脫他，而如果你一直找不到有人願意接收這小毛球，
這裏是有一些方法，讓你可以，至少很確定狗狗無法活到終老。
可惜的是，大部份的方法會讓你的鄰居很痛恨你，但是隨便啦！
 
注意了，如果你是那種”瘋掉了”想保障狗狗安全和快樂的主人，那就進行和以下建議完全相反的做法
 
1. 絕對不要”社會化訓練”你的小狗，不管是在跟人，別的狗，新環境或其它的接觸
社會化良好的狗狗，極不可能成為對陌生人或其它狗，會懷有恐懼或敵意，
　當你的狗會咬會兇時，你會發現這時的確比較容易將他”安樂死”。
　因此在狗狗年紀還小時，你就要確實避免他去接觸任何會引起他敵意的大目標
　- 不同年紀的小孩、帶著背包/手杖/帽子/其它的人，
　這樣他長大後才會被驚嚇而心生恐懼。
 
恐懼累積久了就會引發咬的攻擊行為。比如說：狗狗被某物體發出的噪音、表面和形狀如吸塵器驚嚇時，
　是很有可能變成咬傷小孩的舉動，因為他己經有些不安了。
　所以，確保狗狗在小時候就沒有去探索的機會，你要特別注意的時間點是當他大約12週左右時，
　但為了安全起見，最好避免”社會化訓練”直到16週大 – 這也是他學習最為快速的時候。
　如果你”真的”讓他有探索新事物的機會，那麼你也要確保做到已經超出狗狗能承受的範圍，直到他嚇壞為止，
　不管你怎麼做，就是不要在他遇到或學著去喜歡新事物時，給他零嘴獎勵。
 
如果你因為某些理由，一定要帶他去上”狗狗幼幼班”，那就找一家規定要預防針全部打完才可上課的學校，
而且他們只教服從訓練，但沒有”社會化訓練”的課程。
　〔美國獸醫師動物行為專家協會〕認為一個好的安排，
　應該是幼犬在打完第一劑預防針(犬瘟，犬小病毒腸炎等)後七天，就可以開始上學了，
但若你不想要，那就等到你找到一個完美，不做幼犬社會化訓練的課程，
或是最終，你說不定仍有一隻社會化良好的狗狗。
 
至少你也都不要做任何帶狗出門社會化的家庭作業，或是找那種一週只能去上課一天的課程，
再一次強調，你要冒著的風險就是：社會化訓練你的狗就是讓他可以活得更久。
 
2. 盡量餵撐你的狗直到你連他的肋骨都摸不出來
肥胖的狗比體型測量表上苗條的狗，大約會早一年過世，所以努力地將他灌得滿滿的！
你應該要餵到感覺不出狗狗的肋骨或看不到腰身。
　這裏有個方法，讓你如何得知，己經成功養肥自己的狗狗：
　左手握成拳，以右手包覆指關節，右手指頭剛好就在左手的手背上。
　如果你摸自己狗狗肋骨的感覺，就像摸指關節一樣，那代表你的狗太苗條了，那你的方向就錯了。
　如果狗狗肋骨摸起來像手指頭一樣，那就是”標準”體重了。
　如果你想努力將狗養到過胖，好更快擺脫你的狗，
　那就是將狗養到摸他肋骨像摸手背一樣，好像完全沒有肋骨存在一樣。　
　
　這裏有更多如何知道你的狗太過肥胖的資訊
 
3. 不用帶你的狗去接種預防針
像”犬小病毒腸炎”和”犬瘟熱”都是讓狗很痛苦而死的疾病，
如果你真的巴不得，在你有機會愛上狗狗之前就擺脫掉他，那就不要帶他去打預防針。
　有些人認為飼主讓狗狗施打”過多”的預防針，也是對狗狗有害 – 
　雖然這絕對是個能減緩狗狗得病死亡的方法。
　打完第一劑後馬上帶狗去幼幼班還不夠快速，因為業者通常會將這些環境不良的場地維持地很乾淨。
　但是若再加上狗狗沒有打任何預防針，或者，這樣說好了，直接帶去狗公園玩，
　那麼你就正一步步邁向擺脫你小狗之路了。
 
4. 狗狗的”喚回訓練”就不用教了

當你的狗越來越靠近危險或是跑向另一隻有上牽繩的狗狗時，
大部份的人都會期望你能喚回你的狗到身邊。
 
而從現在開始，你是可以都不用把狗狗叫離危險之處，不過這樣你看起來就像個糟糕的飼主。
　所以，那就不要訓練狗狗回來的指令：一個他應該立刻回到你身邊的指令，
　這樣子的話，你就可以大聲地咆哮”笨狗，回來！”，而他也就絕對不會跑回你身邊，而因此遠離了危險。
 
5. 遛狗時就不用上牽繩，而且就讓他跑去找其它的狗，尤其是那些有上牽繩的狗
這是我個人的最愛，儘管這方法絕對會惹毛你的左鄰右舍，其中的幾位可能會聲氣相通，開始避開你家門。
　如果你不想讓附近鄰居不高興，那就帶狗去公園（不是那種狗狗公園，而是普通沒有圍欄的那種），然後讓他衝向別的狗。
 
那些有上牽繩散步的狗狗，絕對會因為你的狗衝上前去而不開心，
所以盡你可能地讓他衝向更多有上牽繩的狗，越多越好。
 
　當你的狗穿越大馬路去跟別隻狗打招呼時，很簡單地，就大聲喊向那一臉很擔心的主人：沒擔心，他很友善的！”
　這絕對是個超級讚的方法，讓你的狗和別的狗打起來，或是被車撞到，
　所以我們強力推薦此招給很想要縮短狗狗生命的飼主。
 
    誰知道？也許別人也希望你還是結束他的生命好了，
　所以記得務必要讓你的狗到處亂跑以引起和別的狗打架的機會。
　如果你的狗是會咬狗的那種，那一定要記得說些話，比如：”他從沒有咬傷別的狗過！”管它是真的還假的。
 
　如果你的狗真的成功避開車子，安全過了馬路，與狗打架時只是受傷，
　那你的狗下次在同樣狀況時，非常有可能會更加兇惡，
　而你就可正大光明地以良心道德的說詞將他安樂死。
 
6. 在交通繁忙的地方遛狗時，就不用上牽繩了
沒有教你的狗要”隨時跟在身邊”是能助一臂之力的，不過現在說的這”不上牽繩”方法，
更是遲早會成功的，而且不管你之前有或沒有訓練過狗狗”跟在身邊，其實不會有差別的”。
　想像一下，別人是怎麼樣以憤怒的眼神，看著你和沒上牽繩的狗，這是多麼酷的一件事呀。
　就像我之前所提，你也可以就讓狗狗衝向其它的狗，在加上繁忙的交通就更完美了，
　因為他被車撞倒的機會就更大了。
 
　也許在某一天，腳踏車和滑板車呼嘯而過你們時，正有人也按起車子喇叭，然後一隻松鼠跑到路中間，
　你的狗狗，不管有沒有訓練過，覺得這真是夠了，然後”碰！”，你想要擺脫狗狗的困擾就這樣解決了。
 
7. 當你查覺一個行為問題時：特別是像恐懼，張嘴攻擊，懷有敵意的吼叫等，就忽略它或是處罰你的狗。
　有很多帶有警告意味的行為不一定很明顯，也很容易被忽略。所以就不用煩惱還特別去了解狗狗的身體語言，
　這樣你就會自動忽略了這些訊息 -在你靠近正在吃飯的狗狗，他會突然全身緊繃；
　目不轉睛直瞪著別的狗；高舉的尾巴；突然全身僵住不動；或是迴避令他恐懼的東西。


但是當這行為問題是很明顯易見的吼叫或張嘴攻擊時，這的確是比較難去忽略的。
　你這時就必須要擠出一些說法，來解釋為何你沒有處理這咬人或咬狗的行為，
　比如用：”他只是對於這裏所有的人都感到緊張，沒什麼啦。”來為狗狗的行為辯解，
　或是如果你不是那種能當做沒看到的人，那你也可以每次在狗出現警告訊息時，就處罰他。
　如果他有大吼大叫或是張嘴做勢要咬的行為，用牽繩給他一個突然，用力的拉扯，
　這樣他永遠都不會再大吼大叫。
　這也是最棒的地方，因為狗狗其實心裡還是很生氣，只是不會表現出來，因為他知道如此會被懲罰。
　所以他不會再以低吼警告小朋友不要再靠近，反而直接就張嘴真的咬了下去。
 
　〔美國賓州大學獸醫科學系〕己經發表了一篇臨床調查研究，
　結果發現”有四分之一，以處懲／將狗壓制在地或吊起／對狗吼叫等方法訓練的狗，會出現兇狠吼叫的反擊行為”，
　相對地，有這種問題的狗狗，幾乎沒有是以像Ahimsa學校所採用的方法被訓練的。
　所以你就還是選擇以糾正的方法來訓練好了，至少你有很大的機會，讓狗狗不友善的吼叫行為會更加惡化。
　
8. 就放任你的狗在院子裏，都不用管他
被練子拴著的狗是危險的，在2008年，有9%被狗攻擊的意外是與被鍊住的狗有關，
而有78%的人則是在自家院子被狗咬傷。
　所以一定要把你的狗單獨留在院子，好讓你的狗有更多機會去咬人然後被撲殺。
 
就是這些囉，當然還有其它的方法，比如說將你的院子以柵欄圍起，但不關上柵門；
帶你那隻對同類已很不友善的狗去狗狗公園；
不教狗狗在出大門時要先坐下等指令，才可踏出，
或是就帶你的狗去看煙火秀。
發揮你的創造力，我相信你可以找到更多縮短你狗狗壽命的方法。
 
換句話說，如果你要你的狗能有個活得久，快樂又安全的”狗生”，
也受你左鄰右舍喜愛而不是感到威脅，
 
 
那請你避免讓以上的事件發生！
有更多的點子嗎？留個回應吧！
 
 
作者：Grisha Stewart, Ahimsa狗狗訓練學校，西雅圖

 
 


 
原文內容：

8 Sure-Fire Ways to Shorten Your Dog’s Life

I know some of you just can’t stand that fluffy new puppy who adores you, and want to get rid of her as soon as possible. If you can’t find anyone to take this cute bundle of fur, here’s how you can at least make sure she doesn’t live out her natural life. Unfortunately, most of these also make your neighbors mad at you, but whatever.
Now, if you’re one of those *crazy* people who just wants to keep their dog safe and happy, do the opposite of the suggestions below.

1. Don’t socialize your puppy with people, other dogs, new places, etc. Socialized dogs are less likely to become fearful or aggressive with strangers or other dogs.  If your dog bites or growls, you’re going to find it easier to put her to sleep.  So make sure you avoid the big targets of aggression when your dog is young, so that she’ll be surprised and scared when she’s older – kids of all ages, people with packages/canes/hats/etc., and other dogs.
   Fears piles up and lead to a bite. For example, being scared of noises, surfaces, and objects like the vacuum cleaner can also help her bite a child, because she’s already a bit nervous. So make sure she’s not exposed to those while she’s a puppy, either.  The time you have to watch out for is through about 12 weeks, but to be on the safe side, avoid them for the first 16 weeks of your puppy’s life, when she learns most quickly.   If you *do* expose her to new things, make sure it’s over her comfort zone to freak her out.  Whatever you do, don’t give her treats around these new things, or she might learn to like them.
   If you really must do puppy class for some reason, try to find a puppy kindergarten that makes you wait until all of your puppy’s vaccinations are complete, and only does obedience, not socialization. The American Veterinary Society of Animal Behaviorists says that with a good program, puppies should start school 7 days after their first set of shots (distemper, parvo, etc.) You don’t want a good program, so wait until you can find that perfect class that doesn’t socialize the puppies at a young age, or you might end up with a well-socialized dog.
   At the very least, make sure you don’t do any puppy class homework by socializing out in the world, and try to find a program where you can only go once a week, or again, you run the risk of socializing your dog and giving him a longer life.
2. Feed your dog so much that you can’t find the ribs.Obese dogs die almost a year sooner than dogs on the slender end of the spectrum.  So plump him up!  You shouldn’t be able to feel the ribs or see a waist.  Here’s how to tell you’ve successfully fattened up your dog:
   Make a fist with your left hand.  Run your right hand over the knuckles, the base of the fingers, and the back of your left hand. If you feel your dog’s ribs and it feels like the knuckles, the dog is too thin. That’s way in the wrong direction.  If your dog’s ribs feel like the base of the fingers, that’s a ‘normal’ weight.  To make your dog obese so you can get rid of him sooner, you want the ribs to feel like the back of your hand.  Like no ribs at all.  Here’s more info on how to tell if your dog is fat.
3. Don’t vaccinate your dogs. Diseases like Parvo and Distemper make for a painful death. If you want to get rid of your dog before you even have a chance to fall in love with her, avoid vaccinations.  Some people say you can also help by going the other way and *over-vaccinating* – that’s definitely a much slower way to go about it, though.Going to puppy class after your first set isn’t enough – they usually keep those darn places clean. But if you skip the shots altogether or, say, go to the dog park, you’re on your way to getting rid of that puppy.
4. Don’t teach your dog to come when called.When your dog gets near something dangerous or runs toward another dog that’s on leash most people expect you to call your dog.
   Now, you can always just not call your dog away from danger, but then you look like a bad owner. Just don’t train a command that means your dog should come right away. That way, you can shout, “Fido, Come!” and there’s no risk of him coming back to you, away from danger.
   Or only train him to come in the house, so you get the convenience of having him come to you when you need him at home, but not the unfortunate safety aspect of being able to call your dog outside. You could also train your dog that Come means “run away” by calling him for bath times, nail trimming, etc.
5. Walk your dog off leash and let him run up to other dogs, especially on-leash dogs.This is my personal favorite, though it will definitely make your neighbors mad. Some of them will catch on and start avoiding your house altogether. If you don’t want to make your immediate neighbors mad, just take your dog to the park (not a dog park, a regular, unfenced park) and let him run up to other dogs.
   Dogs that are on leash will be particularly upset by your dog approaching, so let your dog run up to as many on-leash dogs as you can.
   As your dog crosses the street to say hello to a dog with a worried human, simply shout, “Don’t worry, he’s friendly!” This is an excellent way for your dog to get in a dog fight or get hit by a car, so we highly recommend it for people who want to shorten their dog’s life.Heck, maybe even the other person is hoping you’ll end their dog’s life, too, so definitely let your dog run over and start a fight. If your dog is the one to snap first, be sure to say something like, “She’s never done this before,” whether it’s true or not.
   If your dog does manage to avoid the cars, and just gets injured in a fight, your dog is more likely to be aggressive next time. Then you’ll be able to put her to sleep with a clear conscience.
6. Walk your dog off leash on a busy street.It’s especially helpful to not train your dog to stay with you, but this will work eventually, whether you have trained your dog or not. You get to imagine the envy of other people see you with your off leash dog, so that’s cool. You also can allow your dog to run up to other dogs, as I mentioned before. But the busy street is perfect because she’s even more likely to get hit by a car.
   One day, a horn might honk at the same time a bicycle and a skateboard whiz past. A squirrel runs into the street and your dog, trained or not, has had enough. Then bam. Your ‘how to get rid of the dog’ problem is solved.
7. When you see a behavior problem, especially fear, biting, or growling, either ignore it or punish the dog.There are lots of small warning signs that are easy to ignore. So don’t bother learning about dog body language, and you get to automatically ignore them – stiffening near the food bowl, staring a little too hard at another dog, a high tail, a quick freeze, avoiding something scary. But when it gets to overt growling or biting, it’s harder to ignore. You’ll have to come up with some way to explain why you didn’t do anything about the biting, like justifying the dog’s actions – “he was just nervous with all of those people, that’s all.”Or if you’re not the type to ignore, you can always punish your dog’s warning signs. When he growls or snaps in the air, pop him with the leash, so that he never growls again. The beauty of it is that now he still feels upset, he just won’t show it, because it’s not safe. So instead of warning the child with a low growl, the dog is likely to actually bite.
   The University of Pennsylvania’s School of Veterinary Science has released a pilot study that found that 1/4 of dogs trained with punishment/pinning/growling were likely to respond with aggression, versus almost no aggressive behavior that resulted from methods like the ones used at Ahimsa. So go for the correction approach, so you at least have a good chance of making the aggression stronger.
8. Leave your dog in the yard, unsupervised.Dogs that are tied up are dangerous. In 2008, 9% of dog-bite fatalities involved chained dogs and 78% of the human fatalities were by dogs in their own yard. So definitely leave your dog alone in the yard, to give your dog a better chance at biting and thus shortening his life.

So that’s it. There are other ways, like fencing your yard but leaving the gate off, taking your dog-aggressive dog to the dog park, not teaching your dog to wait at doors, or taking your dog to the fireworks display. Get creative, and I’m sure you’ll find more ideas to shorten your dog’s life.
If, on the other hand, you want your dog to live a long, happy, safe life, along with not endangering your neighbors, please avoid all of the above!
Any more ideas? Leave a comment!
Written by Grisha Stewart, Ahimsa Dog Training, Seattle